Or…maybe you do. In that case, I am sorry.
What the hell am I talking about here? I’m referring to addictions. Specifically, in my case, eating disorders. If you suffer, you know there is no difference between food and alcohol, when you have a problem. One bite of a trigger food/ingredient, and there aren’t enough bites in the world. There’s the binge and purge, the binge with no purge because you can’t cleverly hide that shit in a stranger’s house, and there’s the simple act of abstaining altogether. Not just from the foods that give you problems but all foods.
I deal with all of these. The same disorder manifesting itself differently, depending on my mood. It’s been this way for a very long time. If you know me in any “real” capacity, there’s a good chance you’ve known me as someone with an active eating disorder. I was anorexic so long I just assumed I could “stay that way.” Had I not started dating my husband, I might’ve. And certainly we all know most anorexics don’t live happily ever after.
I guess that makes the hubs a lifesaver, of sorts.
Struggling to be a “normal” eater, and I will NEVER be a normal eater, I switched over (without meaning to) to the binging side of life. I’d eat “normal” foods and find I couldn’t stop. Not all foods, of course, but certain kinds. Alcohol didn’t help with these impulses and pretty soon I had gained weight and was no longer athletic. I was “curvy.” Which is okay but not very comfortable for me. Then I got pregnant, had babies, went back to the old binge and purge (anorexia doesn’t work well for well….life…) and finally got some help.
I am not cured. Hell, I’m not even sure I’m in “recovery.” But I do know I need to start being honest with this shit. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share this with my readers but why not? If someone else out there can relate to this, that’s all I want. Before finding help, I really thought I was the only person in the world whose thoughts were constantly focused on FOOD. How to avoid it, how to puke it out, how many calories I could have for the day, blah blah blah. I went from never leaving the house, in constant fear of random food encounters to never wanting to stay home. I MIGHT MISS A MEAL OUT SOMEWHERE. I’d watch other people eat, push the plate away and be done with it. I obsessed.
I’ve binged so much that my skin has literally hurt the next day. I’ve starved myself for so long that the feeling of hunger is a mere triumph for me. A “ha!!!!” to my body, that I am in control here. I avoided social situations, lied, and I’m certain these behaviors didn’t help my already fucked-up first marriage.
I am not in control, here. I don’t “have this” under control. I am powerless to this. I don’t have a magic formula. A magic cure. Trust me, if I could do this on my own, without help and some kind of higher power, I would’ve already. I have tried so much bullshit and none of it worked because it couldn’t work. This disorder, like any addiction, is insanity. You know how many times I’ve said that “today is a new day. Today I start again.” Then I hit a certain part of the day, take that first compulsive bite, and my whole day becomes about food. It fucking sucks and I’m tired of being too proud to admit outloud that I have an eating disorder. I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER.
So, I’m trying something different here. I’m going to start sharing this with you. It won’t take over my blog but I need to be frank about my life. I have a clearly defined food plan. I need to follow it. I need to eat to live, I do not need to live to eat. I cannot eat baked goods, white sugars. white flours, fast foods, candies, and a host of other foods. Just for today. Perhaps there will come a time when something can be re-introduced but for today? No.
Remember: This is not about willpower. All the willpower in the world is not stronger than addiction. There is only one person stronger and it sure as hell isn’t me.
Thanks for sticking around to read this. In related news, I picked up the vacuum cleaner cake today for the boys’ 2nd birthday party tomorrow. It kind of rocks. Pictures later!